Has conflict ever been an unwanted guest at your Thanksgiving table? Perhaps it takes the form of passive-aggressive stares exchanged like serving platters or heated conversations fueled by one-too-many glasses of holiday cheer. While a touch of discomfort is often par for the course during the holidays, this year feels different. Between war in the Middle East and an increasingly polarized political climate, many may struggle to foster a climate of thanks and giving.
It only takes a few small shifts to turn down the temperature. As conflict resolution practitioners, we can offer ways to mitigate risk and minimize damage.
First, be strategic. What can you do in advance to facilitate a positive experience? Begin with a seating arrangement conducive to constructive conversation. Maybe certain adults would be better suited to the kids’ table? At a minimum, place low-key guests between those who are more high-strung.
Prepare some questions and conversation starters. You can assign some to other peacekeepers in attendance. Music, film, art, work, school, Grandpa’s hip replacement, NCAA rankings, condiment preferences. “How ’bout them O’s?” works in a pinch.
The practice of gratitude has a unique stress-buffering effect. Since it fits naturally into the occasion, give it prominence. You can express your gratitude by thanking everyone “for keeping the conversation positive.”
For challenging groups, be more direct. We know that one dinner conversation won’t change the world, or even individual opinions, for that matter. Research shows that changing minds is extremely difficult, even when facts are compelling. We consume and reconstitute information to support our intuition. We must accept the fact that the only thing being swayed at the table is the jellied cranberry sauce.
If you find yourself in a heated exchange, prioritize listening to understand rather than listening to respond. In arguments, we often hold our breath, eagerly waiting for our chance to jump in. Challenge yourself to practice reflective listening by summarizing what you’ve heard and then asking, “Did I understand you correctly?” Here’s the secret sauce: You don’t have to be in agreement with a statement to acknowledge someone’s perspective. Additionally, you can show respect by embracing a strategic pause before replying; it removes urgency from the argument and signifies thoughtful consideration.
The key lesson in conflict resolution is to distinguish between a person and their perspective. You’ve read enough bumper stickers to know that issues can become part of our identity. But maintaining integrity in a debate involves addressing the position, not the person. Focus on expressing your personal ideas rather than asserting universal truths; a simple technique is to begin sentences with “I” instead of you. Thanks to the psychological effect of “mirroring,” this often prompts your conversation partner to do the same.
In Case of Emergency, Don’t Break Glass. Certain comments beyond your control may ignite conflict. Before anyone has time to meet fire with fire, consider your options for de-escalation. Try to respond with a simple acknowledgment. A statement like, “I understand you feel that way,” will suffice.
Empathy is, perhaps, most difficult and most meaningful in this situation. When a comment deeply offends, we rarely become curious about why an individual lashed out. Angry words, like rivers, have a source. “I’d like to know more about how you came to feel that way. Let’s talk later.”
Don’t forget the most powerful and underutilized tool: silence. Songwriter Cole Cheney reminds us that “Sayin’ less makes your words mean more.” You can let the combative comment land with a thud. Pause. Then, redirect the conversation.
We acknowledge there’s no perfect recipe for a conflict-free Thanksgiving. Families and friendships can be a beautiful mess. The collection of identities, opinions and needs gathered at your table may rival the disarray of dishes in the kitchen after the meal. Remember, you aren’t negotiating peace in the Middle East or Ukraine. You gathered for a heaping helping of food with a side of humanity. To quote “the grandfather of gratitude” and spiritual adviser, David Stendl-Rast, “The more grateful you are, the more beauty you see.”
Julie Garel (juliegarel@me.com) is a researcher and facilitator with expertise in conflict resolution. Lauren Sowers (www.laurensowers.com) is a mediator, facilitator, and communication strategist.
